The Shepard Chronicles
by Jade5233
Summary: A series of messages Kimbri Shepard writes to Kaidan throughout her adventures in ME2.  Shenko themes.  No ME3 spoilers.
1. Chapter 1:  PRD1

For this chapter and all following chapters, Bioware own all the characters and incidents. I'm just borrowing their toys.

This is a series of messages Kimbri Shepard wrote to Kaidan throughout ME2, serving as a chronicle of her choices and thoughts as she made her way through the series of adventures.

None of the other stories have to be read first, although they all center around this same version of Shepard.

Kimbri's background is Spacer, Sole-Survivor, and Adept. She saved the Rachni Queen, Wrex, and Kaidan. She focused the attack against Sovreign, losing the council-an choice she regrets (most of the time).

Thanks to Brodyaha, Aslanasadi, and NICKjnp for beta-ing this for me and giving me support and constructive criticism.

* * *

><p>Post-Resurrection Day 1<p>

Shuttle between space stations

Dear Kaidan,

Two years.

Its been two years since we saw each other last-the day that the _Normandy_ went down.

And I died.

I've been dead for two years.

I...I don't know how to wrap my mind around even just one of those concepts. Together, they are simply beyond my comprehension.

Instead, my mind focuses on what is more real to me-you.

From the moment I awakened my thoughts have been of you. Did your pod make it out safely? Did you survive? Despite the klaxons alarming around me and the gunfire when I awoke today, my worries were for you-that I had to find where you were on the station and get you to safety. I didn't have any way of knowing that two years had passed-that this wasn't a medical facility that was treating the crew of the _Normandy_ after its demise-my demise.

As I made my way through the station, I walked through a room filled with macabre images and holographic files of some anatomy experiment gone wrong. The images were disturbing as much by their gruesomeness as by the fact that it was like a hovercar accident-you just couldn't pull your eyes away from them. It wasn't until I talked to one of people that helped me to escape the station that I was made aware of awful fact that it wasn't just some random experiment. The pile of burned and mangled tissue had been me-in death, before they somehow brought me back. And that the process had cost me two years of my, well I guess not of my life. But it I felt a chasm open before me, separating me from all that I had held dear before. If I hadn't been in the midst of battle, I think that reality would have made me retch over the railing of that sterile facility. The one saving grace of that conversation was the intel that you had made it out of the _Normandy_, alive and well, along with all of my team except for poor Pressly. But you were safe and hadn't suffered my fate as well that day.

It wasn't until now, sitting on this shuttle that a fuller implication of those two years hit me. A lot could happen in someone's life in two years. You could have been KIA during that time even though you escaped the Normandy. You could have found a new life, a new love in that time. Or you could have been suffering with survivor guilt for some portion of that time. All of those possibilities make my heart ache for you.

As soon as I am out from under the watch of these people I will try to send this and return to the Citadel and to the Alliance. And to you. Whether that be as a crew mate, a friend, or a lover, I plan to return to you, Kaidan. I miss your calm, supportive presence.

I guess I had better return to the main cabin before my babysitters storm the lavatory to check up on me.

Sincerely yours,

Kimbri


	2. Chapter 2:  PRD2

Post Resurrection Day 2

Cerberus shuttle to Freedom's Progress

Dear Kaidan,

I can't believe this!

I, um, didn't want to mention this in the previous message to you or to myself but its Cerberus. Cerberus is who flipped the bill for my...restoration. And now they, what? Think they own me? Or that I owe them some sort of allegiance? Fat chance. I remember. Two years may have passed for the rest of the galaxy, but not for me. To me it was mere weeks ago that we found all of the horrors that those terrorists concocted and unleashed on the outskirts of the galaxy-including Kohoku's dead body, riddled with needle tracts on the floor of that "science" facility on Binthu. Their leader, this so-called "Illusive Man" is as slippery as they come. He had a lot of supposed intel that he was sharing, but nothing that I would necessarily trust without proof.

Despite myself I'm worried, though. I don't see a reason for him to lie about human colonies disappearing. If they are, I have to do something. He claims that the Alliance isn't doing anything. I don't believe him. He claims that our old team won't help me and neither will the Alliance. _Right. _Our team went through hell together. That creates a bond that even two years can't sever. He discounts my status as an Alliance officer and as a Council Spectre, that I have my own resources and don't need him or his sleazy organization. But why wouldn't he?

He claims that I can leave at any point. And you know what? I'm doing just that-just as soon as I check out this nearby colony that was recently hit. Freedom's Progress. Then I'm taking the first transport to the Citadel to deliver that intel directly to Anderson so that he can muster the Alliance and the Council to deal with this threat.

Ok, time to return to Cerberus Barbie in the cabin.

I hope to see you in a few days.

Sincerely,

Kimbri


	3. Chapter 3:  PRD2 Addendum

Post Resurrection Day 2 Addendum

Cerberus Ship, Captain's Quarters, Lavatory

We're finished with Freedom's Progress. To say that it was creepy is an understatement. Everything was deserted, Kaidan. Everything looked as if people were interrupted in the middle of what they were doing-as if the rapture had happened, only everyone was taken, not just the believers.

We did find vid evidence of what is taking the colonists-the Collectors. They're not mythological boogey men, Kaidan. They are real. And they have the ability to paralyze an entire colony simultaneously. Oddly enough, it was Tali that helped us to get this information. She wasn't any happier about my situation with Cerberus than I am. But it was good to see her and good to see that she was friendly toward me despite my babysitters. I wish she could have joined me. I could really use someone that I could trust at my back.

Speaking of people that I trust, Cerberus hired Doctor Chakwas and Joker. I think that was the Illusive Man's idea of extending an olive branch or an act of good faith.

Oh, I didn't tell you, did I? The ship that Cerberus provided me with? Its an SR2. Somehow they stole the specs on the original _Normandy_ from the Alliance. Not only did Cerberus feel the need to resurrect me and fill my body with metal alloy and new tech, but they had to drag the Normandy out of her grave as well and upgrade her. Well, I'm bringing Chakwas and Joker with me when we jump ship. I don't care if I have to drag his ass out of the pilot seat of this "new and improved" monstrosity of a ship that Cerberus has created. Joker may be able to be bought like that, but not me. This ship is NOT our Normandy. Besides, its not the ship but the people that are on it that count.

I hope to see you in a few days, Alenko  
>Sincerely,<br>Kimbri

P.S.-dammit! A brand new ship and is there no "send" prompt in the e-mail system? I suppose its for the best anyways. There's an AI aboard this vessel who is charged with surveillance of everything that goes on. Hell, they apparently even knew about us. They had your picture waiting for me on the desk in my quarters. It really creeps me out that they know that much about us. The only place that I'm fairly certain Big Brother isn't watching is here in the bathroom-or I pray that's the case. Hopefully I will be able to deliver this in person when I arrive at the Citadel in a day or two.

Kimbri


	4. Chapter 4:  PRD4

Post Resurrection Day 4

Zakera Ward, Citadel

Dammit, Kaidan.

I arrived at the Citadel only to wait for over twenty-some hours to be allowed clearance to dock. Then I was retained by C-Sec for half a day due to my MIA status, which took a bit of talking to get reversed. I arrived at Anderson's office only to have some snot-nosed personal assistant deny me entrance. Apparently he was still worried about clearing up his acne when we took down Sovereign 2 years ago. My name didn't seem to mean anything to him. So now I cooling my heels in Zakera Ward until the little shit feels I'm worthy to see Anderson.

I didn't want to believe it, but I guess things really have changed since our days on the SR1. It makes me sad and nervous, Alenko. I thought I would report in like a good soldier and everything would be fine. Now I'm not so sure. Is anything still like I remembered it?

Oh crap. Some C-sec jerk is giving a quarian female a hard time. She reminds me of Tali. I'd better go see if I can help. I'll return soon. Hmmm...maybe I can find your name in a listing on the Citadel while I am waiting.

Love,  
>Kimbri<p> 


	5. Chapter 5:  PRD5

Post Resurrection Day 5

SR2 Loft Lavatory, departing Citadel Airspace

Dear Kaidan,

I can't believe this is happening.

I met with Anderson today. He was friendly. But that was all. He assumes I'm with Cerberus. I tried to explain that I want to return to the Alliance, that I want to serve the Council again. Anderson sounded sympathetic, but he said his hands were tied-that despite being on the Council, he couldn't help me. It was evident that he doesn't trust me. I'm sure that Miranda and Jacob hovering in the background through the whole meeting didn't help matters.

After everything that we did save the galaxy, neither the Alliance nor the Council wants any part of me or the Reaper threat. They would rather sweep it all under the carpet and pretend that none of it ever happened. But it was Anderson's veiled rejection that hurt the most. Anderson was my mentor, like a second father to me. However, it was abundantly clear that while he is willing to keep the line of communication open between us, it's only one way. He's open to me feeding him intel on the Collectors and the Reaper invasion as well as Cerberus. But when the line of communication goes the other way? Like finding out information about my first lieutenant, my best friend? All I can get out of him is name, rank, and serial number-no more than you would give your enemy.

I didn't ask to be "saved" by Cerberus. And I sure as hell don't want to work with them. But what choices do I have? The Alliance is closed to me. Apart from a my fairly empty title of "Spectre" being reinstated, the Council is closed to me. They wouldn't even meet with me on the Citadel despite the fact that I was the one that put them where they are now! What choice do I have, Kaidan? Where else can I turn?

I suppose I could try to reclaim the money I earned 3 years ago from the mineral deposits we found and retire to my apartment on Intai'sei-let someone else deal with it. I already gave one life in the service of this blasted galaxy. The problem is that I've seen what is being done to prepare for the Reaper attack. Nothing at all. Ignoring it as the powers-that-be are doing won't make it go away. Hell, they won't even acknowledge that the disappearance of whole human colonies is a problem! Just because it's technically not in their jurisdiction. Dammit! If not me, then who? I no longer have any options-not if I want to try to protect this galaxy. I have to accept Cerberus's help, as ill as that thought makes me.

Obviously, I can't send these messages through Alliance mail either. Not if I'm considered a terrorist. I guess I'll just continue to store these on my omni tool for you until I somehow am able to find you again.

I've wallowed in self-pity long enough. I had better start getting to know my crew since I'm apparently stuck with them. And I have to start building my squad as well as gaining their trust. I just wish I had even one person on my squad that I could trust to watch my six as you always did, Kaidan.

Until later, _Commander_ ;)

Kimbri

PS-the Yeoman that the Illusive Man stuck me with creeps me out. I think I trust the ship's AI more than I do her.


	6. Chapter 6:  PRD8

Post Resurrection Day 8

_Normandy_Loft Lavatory

Bekenstein, Boltzmann System

Dear Kaidan,  
>I guess I'm starting my mission to stop the Collectors. I picked up a high-level thief that the Illusive Man hired for the squad. She has an "errand" that she needs us to run before she is ready to take on the Collectors. It is the closest to the Citadel, so we're going to Bekenstein first. But along the way, I'll do some mineral scanning. I need to build up my own resources if I am ever to be able to shake free of Cerberus. So I fully plan on taking advantage of our travels as we go.<p>

Apparently Kasumi and I will be crashing a cocktail party, so she's supplied me with something more formal than my N7 armor for the occasion. I wish you were going with me. You'd look so handsome in a tux-the black and white setting your olive complexion off to perfection. But perhaps you would be too much of a distraction. Then again, you could be distracting even in Phoenix armor. ;)

*sigh* The shuttle is ready to go. I'll write more when we're through.  
>Kimbri<p> 


	7. Chapter 7:  PRD8 Addendum

Post Resurrection Day 8 Addendum  
><em>Normandy <em>Shuttle

Boltzmann System

Dear Kaidan,  
>The mission didn't go as smoothly as we planned. But when do they ever? First, Kasumi's choice of evening wear left something to be desired. A short black leather dress at a party where everyone else is wearing formal floor-length gowns? <em>Please.<em>That's like bringing knives to a gun fight. No wonder Hock saw through the ruse. But we got in an out with a minimum of problems-for me anyways. Just a gunship, whose shields Kasumi was able to take down by jumping onto the gunship in mid-flight. From there, between my biotics and Kasumi's guns, it didn't prove to be too difficult.

In the end, I'm not sure if you would have agreed with the choice I made. The greybox that we retrieved contains her deceased partner's memories of their times together. But encrypted into those memories was some sort of sensitive intel that, if leaked, could potentially hurt the Alliance in some way. I know that a "good soldier" would have destroyed that box. But you didn't see the memories that the device held or the look on her face as she stood in her lover's presence once more-even if it was just a digital memory of him. When she solemnly promised to keep the contents of that device safe and to destroy it rather than let it leave her possession, I couldn't deny it to her.

I couldn't help but think that if I could watch our memories in vivid detail like that, to have you before me in this time-even if just in a digital world, how much I would cherish such a gift. Even more so if it was all that I was ever to have of you again.

I wonder, if you had access such a greybox of our times together during the two years that I was dead, would if have helped you through that time? Or would it have kept you from returning to your own life. Have you moved on, my love? Am I writing these letters to someone who now belongs to someone else? Am I being inappropriate? Rising two ranks in two short years usually requires a level of work and dedication that doesn't allow for much spare time for a personal life. But I just don't know for sure. I wish I could just see you, talk to you, be in your presence. Perhaps I might even be able to use some of my fabled charm and persuasive ability to get you to come with me, to be my conscience in this ethical minefield that Cerberus is setting before me. Probably not the best idea for you, though. It would likely ruin your career.

Now I'm babbling. I think that's a clue that its been a very long day and I should get to bed.

Sleep well my Kaidan, wherever you are  
>Kimbri<p> 


	8. Chapter 8:  PRD 11

Post Resurrection Day 11  
><em>Normandy<em>Loft Lavatory

Dear Alenko,  
>We arrived on Omega today. For all that its nominally the "Citadel of the Terminus Systems," it's a hole. Dirty, reeking, and dark with rampant poverty that made Feros look like a paradise. But this is where the Illusive Man suggested that we start-with a Dr. Mordin Solus. My first instinct would be to leave him for last, just to piss the Illusive Jerk off and to make a point that I make the command decisions here. However, if I want to be able to apply any mods to my squad's equipment, then we are going to need someone with skills above that of my gunnery officer. So I guess I'm stuck doing what Cerberus wants-for now.<p>

We picked up another of the Illusive Man's lovely choices of teammates. He's a mercenary to whom the description of _asshole _pales in comparison. Honestly, where does he find these people? I'll be sure to keep this guy last on my list of preferred team mates to have at my back. Hell, I'd take the Cerberus Barbie Doll whom I don't trust farther than I can throw her with me before I take Massani. At least I know that she's committed to our cause, even if her loyalty is to Cerberus rather than to me.

Anyways, we met with Aria T'Loak, the proprietor of this sleazy station. She's tough and ruthless, but there's something I like about her. I think its that she has an ethical code of behavior for herself and for those that work for her. It may not be the same as mine or yours, but I think that she's trustworthy provided that you don't cross her or threaten her authority.

Well, tomorrow is another long day Kaidan. I should try to sleep, even if I'm not usually very successful at it. Perhaps I'll listen to some music to help me drift off.

Kimbri


	9. Chapter 9:  PRD 13

Post Resurrection Day 13

Loft Lavatory, _Normandy_

Dear Kaidan,

Just got back from picking up Dr. Mordin Solus. Finally! Someone that's not at the top of the list of the galaxy's top reprobates. We actually found this guy running a free clinic to cure people from a extremely virulent plague that the Collectors unleashed in the slums of Omega as a science experiment.

_Dammit!_ Why didn't Anderson or the Alliance listen to me? Its becoming even clearer that this is about more than missing human colonies. The Collectors are developing biological weapons that could wipe out life in the galaxy as a whole. The Reapers wouldn't have to worry about resistance upon their arrival. The population would be too sick (or too dead) to fight them.

*sigh* Anyways...we helped Doctor to cure the plague. Then we stayed to help him with the needed preparations to hand over his clinic to his assistant. Now we have a lab and with Mordin's help we can make upgrades not only to the _Normandy, _but also to our weapons, biotics and tech.

But 2 more days are gone. And in the meantime, another human colony, Ferris Fields was lost. Some of my crew had family in that settlement. Its hard to stay positive when every day risks human lives. _Frak._ But charging the Collectors full-tilt without being fully prepared won't do anyone any favors. Just get myself and my crew killed, leaving no one to take up the banner behind us.

I wish I even just had an ear to listen or a shoulder to lean against-like you always were for me, Kaidan. I wish you were here. I know that you would listen, help me, support me.

I miss you,

Kimbri


	10. Chapter 10:  PRD14

Post Resurrection Day 14

_Normandy_ Loft, Couch

Dear Kaidan,

Yes. You read that right. I don't have to hide in the bathroom anymore!

When I was checking in on our newest team mate, he mentioned that he had swept the lab for surveillance bugs and destroyed them. So I took the opportunity to commission him for the task of sweeping my suite as well. You wouldn't believe the number of bugs of all varieties that were in the cabin. I can't be 100% sure that we got all of them. And EDI's terminal is still ever-viligant in the entryway. But now I can at least sit on my own couch and write to you.

Jacob, Mordin and I went to the merc registration and signed up join the assault against Archangel as freelancers. Apparently this Archangel guy has managed to piss off all three of the major organized crime/merc companies on Omega. _Great._ I don't know if I should be worried about adding such a vigilante to my team or to be impressed by the set of quads this guy has that he's held out against an onslaught of this magnitude for so long.

At least I was able to deter one young kid from signing up to be cannon fodder for this operation. He couldn't have been 16. He didn't even know that his hand cannon was rusted to the point that the first time he fired, it would have been more likely to blow up in is face than take out his adversary.

Currently I'm laying on the couch, listening to music that had been pre-loaded into the media player by the bed-all stuff that we had listened to at various points on the mission against Saren. Is that creepy or what? That Cerberus would know things about our team's doings to that level of detail?

There is one song missing, however. The one that we played on your omni tool the night before Ilos. Part of me would really like to hear it again and let the music wrap my mind and body in memories of that night that we spent together...

But a larger part of me is relieved of its absence. Perhaps Cerberus doesn't know _everything._

Mmm...perhaps I'll just stay here on the couch, out of sight from Big Brother-thoughts of that night soothing me into the world of dreams. Perhaps I'll meet you there, Kaidan.

Kimbri


	11. Chapter 11:  PRD15

Post Resurrection Day 15  
><em>Normandy <em>Med Bay 

/Begin dictation/

Kaidan,  
>I'm shocked and worried sick. You can imagine my surprise when we fought through the mercs to rescue our potential new squad mate only to find Garrus smirking at me and teasing me for taking too long. Can I tell you how in that moment I almost cried in relief and gratitude? God had not merely sent me someone competent that I could trust to get the job done. He had also answered my prayers for a friend, for someone that I could trust 100% and rely upon to be a real helpmate in this insanity of a mission.<p>

All was going well. Between Garrus's sharp shooting, Mordin's tech, Jacob's biotics and shooting and my biotics the merc bands didn't stand a chance-not until that gunship came. It was awful. It fired a missile that caught Garrus directly in the head. There was blue blood everywhere, Kaidan! It felt like years as we chipped away at the shields of that gunship until Mordin set the damned thing on fire.

Chakwas is working on Garrus now. She tried to get me to leave, but I refused. I think I must have been a bit out of control because she called in two crew members to put me in restraints she gave me a sedative. But I got my way. She let me stay. I'm lying on a gurney, having to use the voice recognition from my comm to my 'tool, but I'm still here.

I couldn't go, Kaidan. I just couldn't leave him. Not when it's my fault that Garrus was injured like this. Not when I could have prevented it!

But _no_! Kimbri Shepard, "Savior of the Citadel," "Paragon of Virtue" couldn't dirty her her hands. She couldn't risk her precious honor just to save herself a little work.

There was this mechanic that was working on the Blue Suns' gunship. There was a moment when he stooped down to return to his repairs. The electrocautery tool was _right_ there! All I had to do was use it on him. It would have been so easy to do. If I just killed him then and there, the repairs would have been unfinished. But no. I wouldn't strike an unarmed man in cold blood. I couldn't, Kaidan. Not with the blood of the Council still on my hands.

But if I had...

Garrus would be okay... 

Whoa...now I'm dizzy. That's drug's stronger stuff than I thought.

Hey Kaidan, I wonder...is this like any of the meds that Chakwas used to give you for your headache thingies?

Odd. I feel giggly. But this isn't funny. There's something serious going on...

What was it again...

/end dictation


	12. Chapter 12:  PRD16

Post Resurrection Day 16  
><em>Normandy<em> Loft, Couch

I awoke this morning in my own bed, feeling slightly hung over from the drugs that Chakwas gave me. But I had work to do. Every day lost means another colony that might be lost.

First I stopped by the med bay. Chakwas met me at the door, blocking my entry. But she told me that Garrus had pulled through and was resting. He was not to be disturbed. The right side of his face and head were severely damaged. One of his mandibles was going to have heavy scarring and may never function properly. His right ear also may never have full hearing again. But all-in-all Garrus was going to do fine. He would be fully functional for our mission after a few days' rest. The doctor put heavy emphasis on the _rest_ part.

When Jacob, Mordin and I returned to Omega, we were sidetracked by a request from Aria to do her a "favor." We performed the task for her but in a way of my own choosing. I didn't want this woman to get the wrong impression-that while I was on her station I was going to serve as another of her flunkies to command at will. To soften the insult, I handed over a datapad with some information that detailed how one of Aria's merc bands was planning on crossing her. So I think we will still be relatively welcome on Omega the next time we dock here.

Upon returning to the _Normandy_, I check in at the med bay again. This time Chakwas let me in. Garrus was a awake and she let me visit with him briefly. I can't tell you how relieved I was when he jokingly asked me how this would affect his appearance. I told him it wouldn't change much-he always was ugly. It was good to hear him laugh.

Thank God for Garrus. I now know that even though I was denied entry to Heaven for now through Cerberus's interference or intervention (depending on your point of view), God still hears my prayers and answers them. I know that you don't place much stock in such things, Kaidan. But it has always been a source of comfort to me-something I sorely need in this time.

Now perhaps I should pray harder for you to return to me. ;)

Kimbri


	13. Chapter 13:  PRD18

Post Resurrection Day 18

_Normandy _Loft, Bed

Hey there Commander,

After leaving Omega, there were a couple of mission request that were in the nearby systems that we figured we'd check into. Today was one for Cerberus. I wasn't particularly thrilled with the idea of tracking down a deep cover op of theirs, but I felt obligated considering who pays the bills around here.

When we got planet-side, however, what I discovered brought back memories from a couple of years ago. This was intel regarding those rachni experiments that Cerberus was performing. The files were heavily encrypted. But I sent them to Anderson to deliver to the Alliance. The Illusive Man is going to be pissed with me, but he can go to hell. He knew where my loyalties lie when he signed me up for this crazy mission. I hope that the Alliance sees this as an act of good faith on my part-that I might physically be with Cerberus, but my heart is still with the Alliance and with the Council.

Garrus is doing better. He came up to the Loft for a visit. And while he's not up to missions yet, he was up to doing a secondary sweep of my quarters. In addition, he put a film on my fish tanks that limited reflection and further limited her surveillance of my activities in the loft by strategically placing objects that obstruct EDI's view of most places in the room. I especially appreciate that I can now lie in this big, comfy bed without the creepy feeling of The Illusive Man, EDI or especially Joker watching me.

You know, it _is_ a nice big, soft bed-much nicer than the glorified double cot we had on the _SR1_. Fluffy memory foam pillows. 800 thread count Egyptian cotton sheets. My only complaint? It's too big for just one person, Alenko. ;)

Find me soon,

Kimbri


	14. Chapter 14:  PRD19

Post Resurrection Day 19  
>Normandy Shuttle on Alchera<p>

Dear Kaidan,  
>What was Hackett thinking?<br>Was he trying to stretch my nerves to the breaking point? Did he not really believe that I died 2 years ago?  
>Why? Why would he send me here?<p>

I look up at the sky and I can't help but think that somewhere up there that Collector ship hunted down the Normandy. Somewhere up there 2 years ago I ordered you to leave me. And somewhere up there I died as I struggled to reconnect the seals on my suit.

I look around at this frozen wasteland and think about how somewhere here amongst this wreckage your escape pod landed and your found out that I was not in mine. I'm sorry, Kaidan. I'm sorry for not being here and for your pain.

Its creepy down here. The complete silence. I guess its right considering that this is a burial ground of sorts...my burial ground. That makes this even eerier for me.

Hackett had me gathering dog tags of the 20 members of our crew that didn't survive. With each one, I stopped and remembered each person, thanking them for their service and saying a silent prayer for them.

I also ran across Pressly's personal log. It was nice to see the change in the man from when he started with the SR1 and her crew through his acceptance of our mulitcultural crew.

It was weird picking through the wreckage-the bridge, the hull, and especially your station. I used to find excuses to go to my cabin just so I could walk past where you working. If I was particularly lucky, you would be bent over, busy with some component or other. And I would have quite a nice view. It was the one thing that brought a smile to my face down here on this frozen landscape.

But I had to hold back tears when I got to Ash's old station. Hackett had issued me the duty of placing a memorial to the Normandy and her crew. I placed it there in remembrance of Ash who willingly gave her life for us. I miss her, Kaidan. Ash and I always had a bond. She wasn't just my subordinate. She was my friend-closer to a sister than a friend, really. And she was a damned fine soldier.

Garrus fought with Dr. Chakwas to come with me today. She didn't feel he was recovered enough to do so yet. She told him that he has to wait at least a week for the stitches to heal before he can come out on even a non-combative mission. Part of me wishes that she would have let him. It would have been nice to have a friend here. The other part thinks that I probably needed this-to see this alone. To see what I had and hadn't survived. To be amongst the wreckage, to remember the lost lives and to ponder my own.

Kimbri


	15. Chapter 15:  PRD26

Post Resurrection Day 26  
>Normandy Loft<br>Hourglass Nebula, Pergatory

Dear Kaidan,

Acquired the human biotic named "Jack." It was simply supposed to be pick up mission. So Dr. Chakwas gave him clearance to accompany myself and Dr. Solus. As with many events in my lives, however, what was supposed to be simple rapidly became complicated. I won't bore you with the details, but sufficed to say, the warden decided that reneging on the deal he made with Cerberus and capturing me would be good business. Boy was he wrong.

Jack is an incredibly strong biotic, Kaidan. Her natural talent is astounding. She spikes higher than you. However, whereas your power comes from your ability to channel your biotic though willpower and control, hers is like lightening-raw, powerful, but unpredictable as well. Rather than through calm willpower, she seems to "control" her biotics through anger and hate. To be honest, she frightens me-not that she would cause me harm. Actually, I think she would be at a disadvantage against me, but even more so against you. She relies so heavily upon emotion, I don't think that she'd actually see a calm, deliberate attack coming.  
>Anyways, what worries me with her is that she shows no signs of becoming a true part of the team. She hides in the bowels of the ship, as far away from anyone as she can get and doesn't exactly welcome visitors. Heck, even Massani can get downright chatty at times. And he will watch your back in a firefight-because he's being paid well to do so but still...<br>But Jack is wholly unpredictable and unreliable at this point. If she gets pissed off in a fight, I have no confidence that she will stay in formation and watch my six rather than run off after a target of her own choosing.

Hopefully the access I gave her to all of Cerberus's files in the Normandy's systems will go some ways toward building some semblance of trust or at least the feeling that we need to work together. I hope rather than believe that this is case, however.

See what Cerberus is giving me to work with? *Sigh* Taking on the Reapers just isn't the same without you at my back Kaidan.

Kimbri


	16. Chapter 16:  PRD28

Post Resurrection Day 28  
><em>Normandy<em> Loft  
>Over the planet of Daratar in the Faryar System<p>

Dear Kaidan,  
>Today was the first official day Garrus was allowed to participate in missions. And for once I had fun. It was like old times-almost. If you had been there, it would have been.<p>

No mercs. No Collectors. No colonials or civilians to worry about. Only heavy mecs to take down. Between my Stasis and Warp and Garrus's Overload and sharp shooting, we felled the three mecs quite easily. And when my biotics were recharging, I used my new freeze ray..what is it called again? Oh yeah. The Avalanche. Personally, I just like calling it a freeze ray. It was really more like a combat exercise than a mission.

The sun, the wind on my face, the adrenaline rush-it almost made me forget about the damned golden logo on the ship and on everything around here. It almost made me forget that only organization that was willing to help me or the human colonists was the same one we were investigating and taking down two years ago your time, two months ago mine. How did everything get so topsy-turvy in that short amount of time?

Perhaps if I do what I can for human colonies, for the Alliance and for the good of the galaxy as a whole, the Alliance and the Council will see that its really me. That I haven't changed. That I don't work for Cerberus. That I'm still their ally. That 4 billion credits to bring me back to life doesn't mean a thing if I can't be where my heart is-with the Alliance, with the Council, and with you Kaidan.

Kimbri


	17. Chapter 17:  PRD32

Post Resurrection Day 32  
><em>Normandy<em> Shuttle  
>Over the planet Zanethu, Ploitari System<p>

Dear Kaidan,  
>Remember me saying I was hoping for more opportunities to prove myself to the Alliance brass? Well, I think the one today should count for something.<p>

Apparently there was a merchant freighter MSV Estevanico that had been lost about a year ago. I was asked as an N7 in the area to look into it.

It was a crash site, Kaidan. The skeletal remains of a massive ship teetering precariously on the edge of a cliff. And they wanted me to extract data from the black box of the wreckage. Did they know for sure that it had crashed? They had to have at least suspected it. What are they trying to do to me, Kaidan? They disavow me out of one side of their mouths, and ask for my help from the other. Then they send a crash, well, not survivor-I didn't survive it, did I? But a crash victim nonetheless. Are they that ignorant? Or that sadistic? Hell, I _hate_ working for the Illusive Man. But at least with him, I _know_ to watch out for the blade that is inevitably aimed toward my back. The Alliance-they are supposed to be the good guys, aren't they?

But I thought of you. Of earning my way back into the Alliance, perhaps even to work with you again (although I supposed you'd be my superior officer, wouldn't you? _Huh_. That would be a change. I wonder how we would handle that.)

So I was the good little soldier. Despite my fear of heights I balanced my way across I-beams, trying not to disrupt the delicate balance of the ship. I got the data and got off of the ship just as it pitched forward and off of that cliff.

Serving under you for a change...hmmm...I think I'll have to think about that one for a while. But perhaps not until I get up to the Loft where things are more...private...

See you in my fantasies, soldier. ;)  
>Kimbri<p> 


	18. Chapter 18:  PRD35

Post Resurrection Day 35

_Normandy Loft_

Zorya, Ismar Frontier

Dear Kaidan,

What an asshole! What was Cerberus thinking in putting this guy on my crew? I'm sure Zaeed's methods are effective-when he's being paid. But I don't like the way he operates and I about kicked him off the team today-I don't care if the Illusive Man did pay him a bunch of money. Today, the only think the guy cared about was his 20 year-old grudge. The fact that there were people being exploited by this guy, this Vido that he was after meant nothing. This team mate or mine deliberately set the factory on fire-with workers still inside to try to get this guy. Then he argued with me about making sure the workers weren't burned to death rather than going straight after Vido.

In the end, Garrus and I risked ourselves to try to still help him and Zaeed shot down Vido's plane, but he still wasn't satisfied. I told him I didn't like his methods-that if I couldn't trust him to have my back in a fight, I had no use for him on my team. He grudgingly said he'd follow my orders, but only because he was being well-paid to do so. No kidding! Why do you think I don't trust the guy?

Is this the type of scum that Cerberus deals with-that they are going to stick me with? People who follow their own objectives over that of the mission or of innocent lives? I may have my issues with the Alliance right now, but Hackett never put our team in such a situation-he never expected us to sacrifice our ethics to accomplish the goal.

_Dammit!_ Why can't the Alliance back me instead? Why am I forced into this situation? We want the same things-to save the colonies as well as the galaxy as a whole.

Why won't they at the very least let me know where to find you-my best officer, my best friend. The one man that I always knew I could trust implicitly. *Sigh* I know why. You're moving up in the galaxy, you're becoming an important man, Alenko. And they are probably worried that if I find you that I will try to recruit you to this cause. And they're absolutely right. I would. Would you follow?

Or perhaps the brass knew more about you and I than they let on. We thought at the time that they might-that they just turned a blind eye as long as we were discreet and that it didn't interfere with our ability to do the job.

At the time, there were many points at which they could have split us up-particularly after the battle of the Citadel. But they didn't. Now there isn't anything I want more than to find you, work with you again-except to take down the Collectors and then the Reapers. Well, perhaps not even that rates above my desire to find you again.

Find me soon, Kaidan. This is my daily hope and prayer.

Kimbri


	19. Chapter 19:  PRD40

Post Resurrection Day 40

_Normandy_ Loft

Korlus, Eagle Nebula

My Dear Alenko,

This was an interesting day. We picked up a baby krogan. A baby krogan with high level genetic engineering. And I had on my team (besides Garrus, of course) the person who was partially responsible for the krogan genophage in the first place. To add to the coincidences of the day, guess who was in the cloning facility. Rana Thanoptis-remember that asari scientist in the Virimire facility.

I wonder what your take is on the whole genophage thing, Kaidan. You know, for all the time we spent together and all of the ethical quandaries in which I found myself with you behind me to give me your opinions as well as your support, I don't believe I ever heard your take on the krogan issue. And it seems to be coming up again and again here on this Cerberus vessel. Near-sterilization of an entire species is just wrong! But at the same time, the krogan with their high birth rate and entire culture built upon war threatened to destroy the entire galaxy.

Mordin's told me that the STG has been monitoring the krogan birth rate and modifying the genophage-that they have been keeping it stable. Is that a good thing or a bad thing? It's good that they are making sure that the krogan don't into extinction. However, they also make sure that their condition never improves either. I don't know, Kaidan. I just don't know. I wish I had your shoulder to lean on and your sound reasoning as a sounding board these days. Sometimes the line between right and wrong is so...murky-especially with Cerberus and the Illusive Man always around to muddy the waters.

My team? They're not help to me that way. They are Cerberus cronies, like Miranda and Jacob-well, that's not really fair. Jacob doesn't seem to like or trust Cerberus much more than I do. He's ex-Alliance that was swept under the rug after the Alliance decided that they didn't want word of a secret op to get out-much like I was while I was dead. But Kelly is certainly is the category of "Cerberus crony." Then there's Jack who has antisocial personality disorder-so no help there. Or those like Kasumi and Zaeed that are on this mission because of the large paycheck attached. Yes, I do have Garrus. But he's going through his own ethical morass these days. He's seems so focused on the betrayal and loss of his team on Omega.

I need you, Kaidan. Where are you?

Kimbri


	20. Chapter 20:  PRD41 PreHorizon

Post Resurrection Day 41

Korulus en route to Horizon

Kaidan, I'm coming. I just got word from the Illusive Man that you are on Horizon and that communications have gone down-that the Collectors are there.

I'm in the Loft, trying to gather myself together. I'm so worried about you. What if we don't get there in time? What if it was like Freedom's Progress? We _have_ to get there in time. I chewed Joker's ass to push the _Normandy _to the limits.

Then less important worries run around in my brain, too. I haven't seen you in all this time. Although to me it was only 41 days since we were together, for you it was two years. What has changed in your life since then? No one would tell me and I just tend to slip into old thought patterns about you. But what if? What if you have moved on? A wife? Kids? The thought makes me even more nauseous than I already do thinking that they Collectors might take you.

But it doesn't matter. None of that matters. As long as you are safe. As long as we get there in time and save you and save the rest of the colony.

HOLD ON! I'll be there soon!

Shepard


	21. Chapter 21:  PRD41A Horizon

Post Resurrection Day 41 Addendum

Horizon

/begin dictation/

The Collectors are still here. Thank God!

They are _not_ going to get away this.

They are going to pay for going after these human colonies and for targeting you specifically.

/break in dictation/

/resume dictation/

My heart is racing, Kaidan. _Where are you?_

The Collectors are here still, but where are the colonists? Where are you? Its like a ghost town. Its like Freedom's Progress all over again.

_Please, God, please don't take him. PLEASE!_

/break in dictation/

/begin dictation/

I wander through the housing, looking in every corner, every closet for you. I can't help wondering which of these is yours. Are you safe or are you missing already too?

_Please_ Kaidan be okay.

/break in dictation/

/begin dictation/

We got 'em! We-

NO! NO NO NO NO NO!

_SHIT! SHIT!_

EDI stop that ship!

/end dictation/


	22. Chapter 22:  PRD41 Addendum B

Post Resurrection Day 41 Addendum B  
><em>Normandy<em>Loft Lavatory

/begin dictation/  
>Kaidan...<p>

Why?...

I'm...sorry...

I didn't...I should've...

Please...

Please don't go...please!

/break in dictation/

/resume dictation/  
>COMMANDER!<br>Garrus, can you carry her down to med bay?

She'd hate that doctor. Is she stable? Can you treat her here? She wouldn't want the crew to see her like this-to let anyone know that he affected her this way.

You're right, Garrus. And her vital signs are stable. If you can carry her to the bed, I can go get something to relax her, to make her rest. Will you watch her for a moment?

Of course, Doctor...

I know that she records messages to you in her omni tool, Alenko. She doesn't think I see it-or she doesn't care. But I know. So listen up, you selfish sonofabitch and I'll tell you again what she told you down on that planet-after she SAVED YOUR ASS from the Collectors, by the way. She didn't leave you. She didn't betray you, the Alliance, or her ethics. She was DEAD. As in gone to haven or whatever you humans call it. For TWO YEARS.

Yes, its a stretch to believe, but if anyone could do it, you know damned well that it would be Shepard. I thought you two were close. I thought you two had something that the rest of us dream of finding. Of all the people that I'd have thought would understand, believe, and rally to her, it would have been you.

And for what, Alenko? Your honor? For your goddammed Alliance? I'll tell you what, asshole. She went to your precious fucking Alliance for help-to get out from under Cerberus. And to find _you_-before she even thought of looking for me. And they turned her down. They damned near disavowed her. Did you hear me, you self-righteous prick? THEY. TURNED. HER. DOWN. Not the other way around.

So you'd better get off your fucking high horse and make this right or I'm going to-

Garrus? How's the Commander?  
>end dictation/


	23. Chapter 23:  PRD42

Post Resurrection Day 42  
><em>Normandy<em>Loft

I don't know what to say to you. Hell, I can barely really think straight. This song just keeps running trough my head. Here are the lyrics:

_Ohh_

_I got a call today_

_At 3 AM_

_It's what you didn't say that told me I'd get hurt again._

_So I hung up the phone_

_and I screamed out loud_

_I felt so alone, I should had said the things I'm thinking now_

_Ohh never thought it would be so hard to let you go_

_Tell me how I'm gonna make it your the one I cant forget_

_It's like I'm running in slow motion in a nightmare that never ends_

_When I try to face it when I wake up I hate the way reality sets in_

_God I wish you could hold me, through the seven days of lonely._

_(The seven days of lonely, yeah)_

_Oh it's deafening_

_The bitter truth_

_I'm doing everything for the first time again without you_

_I pretend I'm ok_

_But it aches inside_

_There's got to be a way that's better then just getting by_

_Ohh never thought it be so hard to let you go_

_Tell me how I'm gonna make it your the one I can't forget_

_It's like I'm running in slow motion in a nightmare that never ends_

_When I try to face it when I wake up I hate the way reality sets in_

_God I wish you could hold me, through the seven days of lonely._

_My heart is speeding up and slowing down to know I know it's over, it's over_

_And can you die of heartbreak to die for love lost young I pray to find it again, oh again_

_Got a call today_

_At 3 AM_

_It's what you didn't say that hurts again_

_Tell me how I'm gonna make it your the one I cant forget_

_It's like I'm running in slow motion in a nightmare that never ends_

_When I try to face it when I wake up I hate the way reality sets in_

_God I wish you could hold me_

_Through the seven days of lonely_

_Through the seven days of lonely_

_Through the seven days of lonely_

_Through the seven days of lonely_

_Ohhhhhh_

I'm heading to the Citadel in the hopes of tracking you down somehow and straightening this out.  
>-Shepard<p>

* * *

><p>"Seven Days of Lonely" by I Nine<p> 


	24. Chapter 24:  PRD43

Post Resurrection Day 43  
><em>Normandy<em>Loft, Citadel space

I went to see Anderson again and confronted him (gently) about Horizon. He told me that he sent you out there before he knew if the rumors were true about me being alive and being "with" Cerberus On my last visit Anderson said that he couldn't be sure that it was really me and that I had been unaltered in my resurrection by Cerberus. Since that time, I sent the Alliance intel, I've done missions for them with "Cerberus resources," I saved Horizon and _you_ from being taken. Yet, he's as closed-lipped as ever. And there is no offer to return to the Alliance to take on the Collectors. Why?

Why are you, Anderson and the Alliance shunning me? What have I done to deserve it? What is my crime? Being returned to life wasn't my choice. _Who_ resurrected me was not my choice. That being said, I can't complain that I was brought back. If I hadn't been, who would be taking on the Collectors? I_ don't_ like Cerberus or their methods. But they are the _only _resource I've been given-the only resource I have to shut down the Collectors. I may have had no choice about the _who_, but I do have the choice on the _how _it's done.

I can only hope that over time my walk, my talk, my behavior, my choices will be noted by the Alliance. And by you. All I can do now is to move forward regardless of your approval or disapproval, take down the Collectors and then the Reapers and be grateful for the fact that you all are still around to still be able to approve or disapprove of me.

-Shepard


End file.
